My guides have shared with me that it is the discipline in the process that is important for me. The writing/blogging is the most important part of this journey. For me, writing creates clarity and shows the growth and illuminates the journey. I need this tangible evidence that I am indeed growing and changing.

So, when they suggested I write every day this past week, I simply said no. I don't want to. 

What happened this week? Hmmm, well, let's start with my daughter. She is bi-polar with a substance abuse issue as well. She abuses her anxiety medications on a monthly basis, so that she can feel numb.For at least one week of every month, she takes so much xanax that she is a walking zombie.  The lights are off, no one is home, and she staggers around the house. Because she is basically incoherent, there are multiple items that get broken or damaged during this time. One night she tried to take off in my car. I have learned to put important things away so that don't get damaged and limit her house access to her room and bathroom. It is very much like living with a small child.

Because of her mental health issues, she cannot hold down a job. And she lives with me, since she has no where else to go. Her father is dead. She is on state funded medical, and has applied for social security.She had her final hearing August 31, 2010 and she still has not heard if she will receive benefits. She has no income and no way to generate income.

She has lived with me now for 4 very long years. And each year she becomes worse. I have provided her mental health case worker with all of the information above.  And I pray daily that an answer will come to me. I cannot kick her out, anymore than I could open the gate and let my dogs run free. 

She has to find her own way, and I have to find mine. In the meantime, I will provide food and shelter and pray for an answer.

So, this week, has been a bender week for her. And for self preservation, I was out of the house running errands or in my room watching movies for a few days. I have learned to focus on what I need to survive these times, rather than what I can change about her. I become very important to me during her benders. 

A couple of times when I was out getting something to eat or drink, my daughter tried to start an argument. I have learned, that is just her way of pushing my buttons so that she feels empowered to blame me for all of her issues. She has yet to learn that her only way out is to accept responsibility for her own actions and begin to take the steps that will lead to her improved health. She would much rather be the victim. So, this time I didn't engage, didn't listen, and simply removed things that she could harm, and went about my business. Her choices to over medicate are her choices alone. I refuse to be a party to that way of thinking and behaving.

Today, as she begins become a little more coherent, I am grateful that I was able to remain more centered than normal and that I took care of my needs instead of watching over hers. 

I am also grateful, that this is forcing me to take better care of myself.

And I am grateful that in spite of my lack of gratitude this week, My Angels have surrounded me with love.