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The loud shopping cart

2011-02-02T15:23:00Z

Don't you just hate those shopping carts that have wobbly wheels and make lots of noise as you travel through the supermarket? I certainly did.

Until last night...

As I practice gratitude, there is a lot that goes into this process. I am evaluating all of my thoughts to find something to be grateful for. And then I stopped at the grocery store last night.. and picked up a wobbly cart..

I thought about just exchanging the cart... and then one of my guides popped in with a reminder that I was working on gratitude.

Okay.. and what's to be grateful for with a wobbly cart?!

"Just listen."

So I walked and listened to that darn noise the wheel was making.. thump, thump. thump, thump. It was a steady rhythm..like a drum beat or a heart beat. AHA.. the cart was making its own music.

As soon as I got that AHA moment, I felt my body straighten up.. I was no longer scrunching over, hiding because I was embarrassed that the wheel was making noise. I was proud of the cart for making music. And my whole attitude shifted about being in the store.

During my shopping trip, I simply enjoyed the beat. I picked up everything I needed and placed it lovingly in this beautiful cart that was making such lovely music just for me.

All of our experiences are based upon our perceptions of life around us. If we feel embarrassed by something, then our moods and actions are based upon that embarrassment. If we can find enjoyment and gratitude in everything we do (or at least most things), then life become easier and certainly more fun.

After I changed my attitude, the cart and the beat it was making, made me happy!

I have written down this experience so that I can remember how easy it is to shift from one mood to another, by finding the gratitude and joy in my heart. This process does take work, and it is worth the effort!

Thank You

2011-02-02T15:11:00Z

The last few days have been truly uneventful and even peaceful. I have been able to get a lot of cleanup done at work and at home. As the days have been rather quiet, I have found more time to focus on gratitude - willingly.

I found myself not only being grateful, but I was also expressing my gratitude to others. I am saying thank you to others for any little thing they do for me. These Thank yous are not just said in passing, I mean it. And I find a kind word or two to go along with the thank you, so that others know how much their help means to me and makes my life easier.

For example, there is a woman I work with that I send tasks to complete. And she always completes the task and lets me know when she is finished. I can count on her and never have to monitor her work to make sure it gets done. So, when she completed one of those tasks, I shared with her how much I rely on her, and thanked her for her commitment to her work, that allows me the freedom to focus on something else. I let her know, that I don't take her for granted, I appreciate EVERYTHING she does for me!

The response was heartwarming. We both felt better after the conversation. It made me think how I need to be sure that I recognize the efforts of others. I always SAY thank you, when someone does something for me. However, if I added more specifics, the thank yous would be more profound..

Something that I am pondering and using this month.. I will let you know how this changes things for me..

Gratitude continues

2011-01-29T20:02:00Z

So this first month of practicing gratitude has had a world of ups and downs. there are many days I struggle with the whole process, days I am exhausted by the process and days I revel in it. And that sounds a lot like life in general.

The difference that I am finding through all of this, is that the ups are lasting longer, and the downs are not as frequent and they don't last as long. I am also re evaluating my entire existence. I am putting down the burdens that no longer serve me and freeing up a lot of space in my life for me.

My daughter is an ongoing challenge, and the stress levels remain high with her. It's not easy living with someone else, especially if that someone else has mental health issues. And yet, she is still one of my greatest teachers. She teaches me greater patience for myself, greater patience for the world around me, and more than anything else, she teaches me compassion. I don't understand her and I am realizing it is not necessary for me to do so. The only person I truly need to understand is myself. Everything that happens in my life is a direct result of me, and how I perceive life around me. The choices I make, are mine alone. No one else is responsible for what happens but me.

I chose to let my daughter live with me, and so I chose a life of learning about relationships. I am learning about my relationship with myself, and with her. Each minute I have to think about how I respond to her, because in each moment she is different. This requires me to be more present and aware, of myself, and of her.

I have also let go of a need for perfection and control. I am surrendering to my life. How you ask?

Here is my surrender example:

This past week I suffered my first ever migraine headache. It was a most interesting experience. I experienced a flash of light, then trouble with my vision, then this really beautiful geometric shape in my field of vision. Once that passed, there was the blinding headache that lasted for three days. When the pain hit, I checked in with my guides- do I need to worry about this or go seek treatment?

"No."

"Are you sure? You know I am a baby when it comes to pain, and this really hurts!"

"You will be fine. You have been spending a lot of time thinking about your life, your daughter, your work. If you were a machine, we would say you blew a fuse. In this case, your body is simply telling you to get out of your head and quit thinking. It is time for you to FEEL your life."

"Really?! What does that mean?"

"Quit trying to solve your problems by thinking them through. You have separated your mind and heart, dear one, and your body is simply bringing you back to balance. "

"Yeah, okay.. I still don't get it, but since it hurts to think, I am going to rest!"

"Exactly!"

My response.. Whatever!?... (I am only human after all!)

I did rest. I surrendered to the pain, and rested my body, and my mind. I chose to do work that required very little thought process until the headache passed. And I rested whenever possible. I went to bed early, got up late, and allowed my body to dictate my schedule. I didn't try to figure anything out.. I just let life happen.

When the pain stopped I had a great AHA moment. Life went on with a lot more ease, when I wasn't forcing everything. I was still able to get all my work done, at my own pace, in my own time.. and I didn't worry about a thing in the process. Imagine that, life went on and I didn't have to worry about it!

And the incredible gift that I received... well, I have been worrying about money, since I am the sole support of two adults, 4 dogs and 2 cats, with a house, car, etc..In taking care of my own needs, I reduced my income substantially, and learned to live more basically. When I quit worrying about money, and just let go, because of the head pain, I received an unexpected check in the mail. One of my credit cards that I had paid off, had incorrectly calculated interest, and I received a reimbursement check of over $250.00. MAGIC!

Life, when we allow it, is magical. When we try to control it, or think our way through it, life becomes more complicated than it needs to be. Our brains were designed to help us, IN HARMONY with the rest of our bodies.

I still get a twinge in my head when I try to problem solve. It is a reminder that I need to quit 'trying' and let the answer surface from within. I have learned to move on to something else, and to honor my body by listening to it.

So, for this week.. I am very grateful for the lessons in surrender, balance and gratitude.

I am grateful for the reimbursement check!

I am grateful for my daughter (who by the way, cooked me breakfast this morning as a surprise)

I am grateful for LIFE.

Who knew?

2011-01-22T17:34:00Z

So, who knew living a life of gratitude was going to be such hard work? Some days it is easy. And then life throws in a bunch of lemons, and boulders and garbage, and I have to search hard for things to be grateful for. And let's be real here, there is only so much lemonade a person can make...(you know, when life throws you lemons, it's time to make lemonade..).

My daughter happens to be the toughest challenge I have ever faced. Each and every day, I am finding I need to learn new ways of communicating and new ways of parenting without enabling. It's an incredibly fine line to walk, and frankly, it is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting for me. I would love not having to deal with this every day.

During the toughest struggles with her, I am finding that I really have to take a break and really THINK about gratitude, and the positives in my life. This practice takes me out of the angst of the moment and into a real sense of peace. It is always possible to find ONE thing to be grateful for in each moment. The discipline is taking the moment to find that little bit of gratitude.

This week, my internal struggle has been, do I let her stay, or do I make her go find her own way. I am still in that struggle. As a mom, I want her to be safe. As a person, I want her gone, out of my space so that I can finally breathe on my own again.

And when I finally took the time to be grateful for the positives in my life, my guides reminded me that she is the greatest communication teacher I could ever have.

'Really?! WHY?!"

"Because she is forcing you to re evaluate how you communicate moment to moment. You have a tendency to use a 'one method fits all' style of communication with friends and loved ones. That is not always effective since communication is about more than one person."

AH............

And when will this phase of the learning STOP!?

"When you no longer want it to stop. When you can find the fun in determining what is the best style of communication for the moment and then go with it. And when you learn to compassionately tell your loved ones what YOU want and need from them, instead of fighting about what they need from you. You have been so focused on what you can't do, that you are missing what you can do. And sometimes... the best communication is silence, or a hug."

AH.......

I don't know what the next weeks will bring as I travel on this journey. I will say that this process is certainly not dull.

Today, I am grateful to have found some peace this week! And for the ability to hear the guidance from my guides, who always give me a different perspective about my life and lessons.

Gratitude!? Really!?

2011-01-17T18:17:00Z

You know, sometimes finding gratitude is just not worth the effort. It's been a few days since my last post. The reason for that is I have been feeling a little less grateful...

My guides have shared with me that it is the discipline in the process that is important for me. The writing/blogging is the most important part of this journey. For me, writing creates clarity and shows the growth and illuminates the journey. I need this tangible evidence that I am indeed growing and changing.

So, when they suggested I write every day this past week, I simply said no. I don't want to.

What happened this week? Hmmm, well, let's start with my daughter. She is bi-polar with a substance abuse issue as well. She abuses her anxiety medications on a monthly basis, so that she can feel numb.For at least one week of every month, she takes so much xanax that she is a walking zombie. The lights are off, no one is home, and she staggers around the house. Because she is basically incoherent, there are multiple items that get broken or damaged during this time. One night she tried to take off in my car. I have learned to put important things away so that don't get damaged and limit her house access to her room and bathroom. It is very much like living with a small child.

Because of her mental health issues, she cannot hold down a job. And she lives with me, since she has no where else to go. Her father is dead. She is on state funded medical, and has applied for social security.She had her final hearing August 31, 2010 and she still has not heard if she will receive benefits. She has no income and no way to generate income.

She has lived with me now for 4 very long years. And each year she becomes worse. I have provided her mental health case worker with all of the information above. And I pray daily that an answer will come to me. I cannot kick her out, anymore than I could open the gate and let my dogs run free.

She has to find her own way, and I have to find mine. In the meantime, I will provide food and shelter and pray for an answer.

So, this week, has been a bender week for her. And for self preservation, I was out of the house running errands or in my room watching movies for a few days. I have learned to focus on what I need to survive these times, rather than what I can change about her. I become very important to me during her benders.

A couple of times when I was out getting something to eat or drink, my daughter tried to start an argument. I have learned, that is just her way of pushing my buttons so that she feels empowered to blame me for all of her issues. She has yet to learn that her only way out is to accept responsibility for her own actions and begin to take the steps that will lead to her improved health. She would much rather be the victim. So, this time I didn't engage, didn't listen, and simply removed things that she could harm, and went about my business. Her choices to over medicate are her choices alone. I refuse to be a party to that way of thinking and behaving.

Today, as she begins become a little more coherent, I am grateful that I was able to remain more centered than normal and that I took care of my needs instead of watching over hers.

I am also grateful, that this is forcing me to take better care of myself.

And I am grateful that in spite of my lack of gratitude this week, My Angels have surrounded me with love.

Day 10- gratitude

2011-01-12T05:08:00Z

Well, today I am not bored. I woke up this morning with a new attitude, and frankly, that's a good thing. I don't like being bored.

Today I started doing my taxes.. pulling together all the information that I need to file my tax returns. With a business of my own, and the day job, it can get to be a complicated process. And the process seems to stretch my brain every year.

I like filing my taxes early, because that gives me a chance to pull together money if I owe the government because I have underestimated my taxes, or the chance to celebrate an early return. It seems to vary each year. One day I will get it all down, and break even come tax time.

The other part about doing my taxes, is that it helps me put the year before in perspective. I have a chance to look back all that I had accomplished. It's amazing what we can each accomplish during a year.

This year, as I am focusing on gratitude, I am able to be thankful for every penny I earned, and every expense I paid, because it meant that I had the income to pay the expense. In a year where a number of people struggled, I can be thankful for the income.

Today I am grateful:

That I am alive and well

that I can do my own taxes

that I had an income that allows me to file an income tax return

that I did not suffer from boredom today!

Day 9- boredom

2011-01-11T03:55:00Z

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I have been hit hard with boredom today.

I am bored with work, home, gratitude, and life in general. I didn't even want to post this tonight. I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep, and just wait for a new day to dawn.

Funny, I started hearing laughter again. Apparently I am tickling the funny bones of my guides. Great. Get ready, here comes the profundity..(new word created out of boredom)..

"Dearest, it is okay to be bored on occasion. It means you are ready and preparing for the new phase of your life. You have come to terms with the fact that your old behaviors don't work anymore, and you are ready to learn something new. Congratulations dear one! Now that you have reached this phase, what are you going to do next?!"

Funny.. glad the heavens are chuckling. Me, I am just bored. I had to force myself to get my work done today. I did it, I always do.. I just had to put extra effort into getting it done today. So, given my boredom, I am truly struggling with finding something to be grateful for today...

Hmmmm... more laughter..."be grateful that you can be bored"

Okay.. today I am grateful that I can experience boredom. It means I have some freedom in my life to feel anything and to express it as well. this is more than some people have.

I am also grateful for the flexibility in my job, that allows me to choose what I will work on in a given day. I can prioritize the work, in whatever way seems most efficient for me, and allows me to indulge in my boredom.

I am grateful that I have a new wireless router today, that is twice as efficient as my old one.

I am grateful that I am not bored everyday.

Day 8 Dreams

2011-01-09T17:45:00Z

I love my dreams--- the ones that I have while I am sleeping. Never in a million years could my conscious mind come up with some of the fantastic things that I see in my dreams! I meet the most amazing characters and have the best experiences while I am sleeping (it's another reason I wake up slowly..)

A few years ago I started keeping a dream journal. I would wake up in the morning and write down my dreams, so that I wouldn't forget them. It started off slowly, with a character I might remember vaguely. The more I did this, the clearer the memories, and the more vivid my dreams became. In fact, I started writing a fantasy novel based on what was happening in my dreams. I got to page 100, and then chaos erupted in my life and the dreams would fade before I woke up. What I did remember had more to do with messages for my daily life, and how to cope with the chaos.

While I am still having the teaching dreams, I am now also beginning to revisit the worlds that were created in previous years of dreams. The memories are not yet clear, but they will be. Last night, I visited with Breda and Hugh, who were two of the main characters in my book. Hugh and Breda are wizards. Hugh is an intriguing character that I literally fell in love with during the first chapter of the book. He is powerful, and yet so vulnerably human that I couldn't help it. Breda is a very wise woman who also acted as a guide for me during the book writing process. They have been missing from my dreams for over a year.

When I saw them in my dreams, I was elated, and remember asking them where they had been. And their response was that they were exactly where I left them. It was me who had left. During all of the chaos of this last year, I had forgotten what it was like to have dreams and hopes of my own. I was simply surviving day to day.

They shared with me, that until I could focus on the positives in my life, there was no room for dreams.

Wow. Just Wow.

While I am not quite ready for the depth of my prior dreams, I am at least on the right track. I admit I still have some things I am working through, but at least now I have hope again.

As an FYI- the book title is "Hope Begins"

So, here I am at Day 8, and I can actually see that this process is making a positive change in my life.

While I am not quite ready to get back to my book, I am getting closer.

Today.. I am grateful for:

Beginning this gratitude journey

Dreams and hopes

The characters I meet in my dreams

My life.

Day 7

2011-01-09T17:28:00Z

And on the 7th day, he rested...

I am writing this post the day after my seventh day, because I truly took a day of rest. I did not open my computer once. And I am grateful that I was able to take this day for rest.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a little under the weather. I could feel the sinus pressure building, and a headache was just starting behind my left eye. As I was waking up, and checking in with myself (as an fyi, I wake up slowly almost every morning and do this check in with my body and my guides. It helps me understand my body's rhythms and adjust my day accordingly), I heard my guides share with me that if I didn't want to be sick, I should rest today, drink lots of fluids and watch what I eat. So, I got up, let my dog outside for a moment, and then went back to bed. I woke up for the second time feeling about the same, so I got up, drank a glass of juice and sat down on couch to watch tv. I rarely get the opportunity to sit and just watch tv, so I have a DVR to record my favorite shows. The DVR was getting pretty full.

I wrapped myself up in a blanket, and started watching my favorite tv shows.. And there I spent the day.. drinking juice, water and herbal tea, as my body and mind rested.

Today, I feel better for having rested, my DVR is almost empty again, and I have the energy to get back to work today.

There is a reason that we should all take time to rest. Our bodies and minds need the break. For me, the day of mindless TV was perfect. For someone else, a day at the beach, or hiking in the mountains, or a walk in the desert is what is needed to provide balance. We all rest in different ways.Thank GOD for diversity

Today, I am grateful for:

A day of rest..

my DVR

the ability to check in with myself to keep myself in balance

My Guides and Angels for reminding me that being human means that I have a body that I need to take care of..

AND I am grateful for all of you that are reading this..May my journey help ease yours...

Day 6

2011-01-08T02:01:00Z

Today was an incredibly frustrating day for me. Have you ever had one of those days, where everything seems to go wrong, no matter what you do? Well, that was my day.

It started off with my sleeping through my alarm - though I have to admit the dream I was having was incredible. I was in a totally different world, as a child. I was just playing with my friends, and a little grey kitten that had followed me. I was having such fun being a little girl, that I didn't want to wake up. So I didn't- at least not on time

So, I started off late. Then my computer seemed to have a ghost. Every time I logged into work, my internet crashed. I spent the entire morning on the phone with the Geek Squad and the cable company trying to figure out what happened. Neither the cable company or the computer repair person could figure out what happened. About lunchtime, I just surrendered to the wasted day, and took a break from work. As I ate lunch, I pondered the dream and the feelings that I had about being a child again. Honestly, I didn't want the dream to end, and if this had been a Saturday, I would have pulled up the covers and allowed the dream to finish. Instead, I was being responsible and jumped out of bed to start the work day. And then I got to thinking, what was the worst thing that could have happened if I was late to work? I just would have had to work later to catch up. I am lucky enough to work for a company that allows flexible work schedules. And since I work from home most days, it really would have been a non issue. So, but not honoring myself and my own feelings, I set up the day of things gone wrong.

Funny thing, once I got that AHA moment, I went back to work, and had no more computer issues the rest of the day.

I think the Universe was simply giving me something to ponder. I am after all, studying gratitude and living in the present moment. Had I honored myself, I don't think I would have had the computer issues.

I also have to admit that during the computer issues, there was no room in my day for gratitude or positive thinking. I was angry and frustrated that the day wasn't going my way. After lunch, I was back in a more peaceful frame of mind, and my world and the computer responded accordingly. Interesting....

So, as I come to the end of my day, I can honestly say:

I am grateful for those moments of anger and frustration, that led me to the realization that even when life isn't perfect, by changing my thought patterns, I can change my world and how my world responds to me..

I am grateful for my dreams, that allow me to remember what it is like to be a child and to play....the dream has helped me plan a play day for tomorrow...

I am grateful for the Geek Squad and their patience....

I am grateful for my internet service that allows me to work from home.

Day 5

2011-01-07T00:58:00Z

What a truly interesting day. I had no idea that gratitude was contagious, or that this experiment would grow wings

First I will start with what I am grateful for.. today I am grateful that I can just say no. Today came the realization that I don't have to do what anyone else expects of me. It is okay to honor my own feelings, and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to.. even if doing it would be the 'nice thing' or what someone else wants of me. That's not to say that I am going to be mean to everyone, I won't be. But what is important is that I honor how I feel.

Now, let me share with you how this came about: I was driving in to the office today in heavy traffic. In fact, I had waited through 3 red lights to get through an intersection so that I could make a left onto the 101. I had just started to creep forward again in the left lane, when a car came to a sudden stop right next to me in the right lane. The woman driving the car waved at me, and motioned in front of me, asking if she could pull in ahead of me to make the same turn I was making. She clearly hadn't wanted to wait in line like the rest of us, and expected me to let her in. Normally, I would have let her in line ahead of me, quietly stewing with anger that she had the audacity to pass everyone else waiting in line, so that she didn't have to wait. And then it hit me, why would I get so upset about this. Just because she expected me to let her in, didn't mean I had to. So, I waved right back at her, shook my head and mouthed no, and moved on. I wasn't being mean, I was just saying no.

Then, as I pulled on to the freeway, I started laughing at myself. I mean really, it was ridiculous that I allowed other drivers to make me angry. And totally ridiculous that saying no, could make me so happy. I wasn't proud of the fact that I didn't let the driver in, I was proud of the fact that I could honor myself and my own feelings. If she had been aggressive, I would have let her in, because an accident and road rage are not things I want to deal with. But in this case, there was no anger, just an exchange of waves, and a polite No.

And I kept this lesson in the forefront of my mind today at work, taking notice of when I considered doing something I didn't want to do, because someone else asked me to. If it was work related, and part of my job, I found a way to be grateful that I had a job. If it was something I didn't have to do, and was considering it because someone else wanted me to.. I found myself politely saying no, and had they asked someone else. This left me more time to do my own job, and I was happy. Blissfully happy that I was taking care of me and my needs first.

For those of us who care about other people, it is almost instinctive to place others needs and desires in front of our own. This leads to illness, depression, anger, and all kinds of negativity in our lives. It is important to know when to say no...when to place ourselves first in our own lives.

As for the gratitude being contagious.. I spoke with my Mom and another friend today. Both asked me what I was grateful for today. They were intrigued that I was doing this experiment and really wanted to know how it was impacting me. I shared with my mom about saying no to the driver, and she laughed (everyone is getting a kick out of my great experiment ). she said people do it to her all the time and it upsets her sometimes. She will let those people in, unless doing so would cause an accident. And then she laughed, that I waved and said no.

So, today I am grateful for only two things..

1- I am grateful that I can say no, and mean it.

2. I am grateful to all of you who are interested in this experiment and follow my journey. I hope you are also experimenting with gratitude.. it's a fascinating journey.. and this is only day 5.

Day 4

2011-01-06T02:18:00Z

Well, here it is, day 4 of TGE (the great experiment). I woke up this morning thinking I should check my lottery numbers, since the MegaMillions drawing was last night. As I was laying in bed, I pondered the whole lottery dream. Those of us who buy tickets, are spending money on hope- hope that we might just win and life would become easier. At least that is why I buy the tickets. I am hoping to win.

I knew that I had not won, even before checking my numbers. BUT, it didn't matter to me whether I won or lost. Sure a jackpot win would be great, don't misunderstand me. I already have a plan in place in the even that I ever won. I have completely mapped out what my future would look like. I can see it, feel it, taste it and touch it in my imagination. And yet, as I pondered the lottery, I realized that I am content in my life. Even though I have multiple challenges, I am content with where I am in life and with who I am.

There is truly something different about my perspective on life since I started this experiment. I can feel myself shifting into a more peaceful state of being. I am living more fully in the present moment. I have more focus as I tackle the daily tasks of living. I am not as scattered and there is no hurry to get anything done. And interestingly enough, I am accomplishing more each day. I am sleeping less and feeling more refreshed. Before I started this journey, I was sleeping for 8 hours or more, and feeling tired by the end of the day. This week, I am sleeping 6 to 7 hours, and waking up more refreshed. This is a fascinating by product of TGE. And this is only day 4.

I am beginning to see that this year could, indeed, be life changing.

Today :

I am grateful for the experiment.

I am grateful that my guides and angels are so wise

I am grateful for the increased energy and focus I have.

I am grateful.

Day 3

2011-01-05T05:03:00Z

Well, this is my third day of gratitude. As promised I am documenting the journey, though today seems like a normal day. Because this experiment is at the forefront of my thoughts, I find myself evaluating everything that happens during my day. What I mean is that I am looking at everything I do, and asking myself if I am grateful for whatever I am doing, or thinking.

At some point this might get old, but for now, this is an interesting journey. I find I am making choices in every moment that allow me to be grateful- or in other words, if I don't feel like doing it, I don't. This includes everything I did today, including my food choices. At one point, I had a craving for twinkies. I Love twinkies. I rarely allow myself to have them because they are true junk food, with no value to my body. Today, however, I had twinkies. I savored every bite and I was thanking God in each and every moment of the experience. It was a simple pleasure, and one that I would normally deny myself. and an interesting by product, was that I was full, satisfied, and had nothing further to eat until it was time for dinner. I had no other cravings, and I did not have the normal late afternoon energy crash.

This got me thinking about how often I deny myself the little pleasures because there is a belief that they are bad or harmful. In mass quantities twinkies would be bad, but by allowing myself to indulge the craving, I did not overeat the rest of the day. Hmmmm, maybe I am on to something here..

So, today...

I am grateful for Twinkies!

I am grateful that I can go out and buy a Twinkie when I want one.

I am grateful for the new self awareness this journey is granting me.

I am grateful for my life.

Day 2 of Gratitude

2011-01-03T17:24:00Z

Now that I have started this process of gratitude I can already begin to feel something changing or growing within myself. And at 2am this morning, I woke up thinking that I need a way to measure my progress. This is after all an experiment, right?

So I asked my guides for a way to measure the success of this experiment. Can you guess what happened next?! Yes, it's true, I heard laughter. I guess I am now comic relief for my own guides and Angels.

"Dearest one, how can you measure peace, joy or love? For that is what comes from practicing gratitude?"

and my response, "Well, in the business world, success is measured by the amount of money that is made. surely there must be a way to measure the impact of gratitude in my life.."

"Ah.." was the response. Then, "To measure something is to compare it. And in God's eyes, nothing is compared. Everything has it's place and is perfect as it is. Every emotion, every feeling, every action is perfectly suited to the growth and evolution of life on earth. Nothing is less than or greater than anything else. Perhaps it is time, dear one, to stop comparing yourself and others."

Ouch. the thought is all nice and fuzzy, but I am human and I have always needed a way to measure my growth.

"Consider this, gratitude includes acceptance for what is, not on what will be."

Okay. So, by thinking in terms of measurements, I am focusing on future actions instead of being present today?

"Indeed"

AHA! Okay- no measurements. I will simply share how I feel each day, and the thoughts that come up for me. If changes occur, I will write about those and we shall simply see what happens.

I promptly fell back asleep and then had a heck of a time waking up this morning.

On a practical note, I did notice that instead of dreading what the day would bring, I woke up feeling content and ready to face whatever presented itself today. So far, so good.

Today I am grateful for my friends and family.

Today I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy most of the time, that allows me to pay the bills.

I am grateful that my daughter agreed to practice gratitude with me.

I am grateful that I am alive!

Welcome to a Great Experiment

2011-01-02T19:44:00Z

Happy New Year everyone and welcome to my great experiment.

Last year was a year of tremendous personal growth for me. From what I have heard from others, it seems I am not alone. My last year began with shoulder surgery and the death of my father. From there it descended into the black abyss of bullies, the decline of my daughter's mental stability and ability to care for herself, and ultimately ended with my crawling out of the abyss after many hours of meditation, self contemplation and the help of some very wise Guides and Angels. I have now found a new foundation and sense of self.

Once I climbed up and out, I needed to create a plan for myself that would keep me growing positively, safely and with greater peace and joy. When I asked my Angels how do I create a plan, they laughed at me. In fact they are still laughing at me.. And the reason they laugh is because they know me so well. You see, if I create a plan, then I stick to it..even if it is not in my best interests. It's like I create this path with such big wheel ruts that I can't get out. "No," My guides said, "you do not need a plan. In fact you need to live this year without any plans at all."

Eegads and little fishes... no plans. That is terrifying to me. So I responded,"Having no plans might be good for others, but that is a bit much for me. I must have something to focus on so that I don't fall back into the abyss!"

Again, I heard laughter. Heaven was busting up laughing at my need for a plan. To me this is not funny.

Finally, I hear a voice of reason, "well, perhaps we can give her a focus, rather than a plan.."

Well, not quite what I was looking for, but okay.. I could try for a focus..

And here it is...the focus...for the entire year.... is ....are you ready.....GRATITUDE

Really?! Gratitude?! Really?!

"Yes, Dearest One. You will begin by focusing on the things in your life that you are grateful for.. and we would encourage you to do this daily. Find things in each day that you can be grateful for in your life, and then simply write about your experiences. We guarantee that magic will occur in your life, if you do this..."

Really?!

So, being the stubborn learner that I am, I have fought against this. Not because I thought it was silly.. but because I thought I had learned this lesson a few years ago. Apparently I forgot the lesson...

Oh well...

So, perhaps you will join me on my journey of gratitude this year. I will post the things that I am grateful for, and will log in the results. I have no expectations about this process.. I am simply willing to give this experiment a try. My brain knows that when I am grateful, more things come to pass that I can be grateful for. So, let's see what happens..

To start.. I am grateful that I can make the Angels laugh...

I am grateful that I have my computer..

I am grateful that my physical needs are being met

I am grateful for my dog Lexi, who loves and protects me

I am grateful.....

Ah..Mondays

2010-10-12T05:10:00Z

Well, it is late Monday night and it has been a busy day. I started work at 7am, and quit working at 6:45PM.

What I dislike most about this economy, is that companies are scaling back on employees, but not the amount of work that needs to get done. I don't know about the rest of you, but my work load just keeps growing, with no help in site. Some days I don't know how I will get it all done. And it's not about time management. I manage my time just fine, it's the amount of work that has doubled in the last few years. I hear about this from a number of people who are working for larger companies.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a secure job. It's just that sometimes as I remember those wonderful 40 hour work weeks, I wish I had them back. Since this blog is all about getting real- I understand that I could work the 40 hours, but the work wouldn't get done and I would not feel successful. So instead, I do what it takes to get the work done, and exhaust myself if the process. I forget that there is a world outside of the office.

I would love to hear from those of you who work long hours like I do.. How do you do it, and balance your life? Or do you balance. The one line I HAVE drawn in the sand is that I will not work weekends. I need those to recover my sanity from the prior week..

As I look towards the end of the year, I have to focus on the week of vacation I will have after Christmas, and hope that that will be enough to rest up for the next year.

As I sit here and ponder the work/life balance, I am reminded that we probably have it easier than the early settlers did. Theirs was a life of manual labor from sunup to sundown. At least I get to sit in a chair in a climate controlled office as I work.

Funny, sometimes when I am tired, I can't help but hear the voices of my spirit guides who love to simply laugh at me when I look at the down side of life. Even now, I am reminded that work is only work, if we make it so. If we enjoy what we do, then the time flies. Most of the time I enjoy the work, and the time does pass by.. but not always. So, for the next few days, I will take a look at this, and see what comes up..

in the meantime, I am open to any and all ideas here.. this is about getting real, and enjoying life again..And as God is continually reminding me.. I am not alone..

Getting ready for the New Week ahead

2010-10-11T03:04:00Z

Well, the weekend is almost over and I have to say that I am pleasantly tired this evening. I spent most of the weekend in my favorite room in my house- the kitchen.

The sweet potato pie came out perfectly! It is much richer than most pumpkin pies I have had, so smaller is better when it comes to portion size. Could be the dark rum that went into the filling.. I also cooked my first pumpkin. In the past, pumpkin has always come out of a can for any recipe. The only thing I knew how to do with a pumpkin was to carve a face and toast the seeds. As I was also trying out a new pumpkin cake recipe that called for fresh pumpkin, I learned how to bake it in the oven. It was sooo good scraped right off of the peel from the oven. The pumpkin meat satisfied my sweet tooth in a most delicious fashion.

The pumpkin cake with home made cream cheese frosting (with a touch of cardamom) was also a good choice- though in order to make the proper cake from my pumpkin cake mold I need some lessons on cake decorating... ah well, at least it tasted good.

Basically, today I was trying out new recipes in anticipation of Thanksgiving. I have the sweet potato pie and pumpkin cake recipe down, and now I need to learn more about putting the icing on the cake. I also created a new rub for the Turkey this year, that I tried out on a turkey breast that I roasted. A mix of olive oil, fresh rosemary and sage, garlic cloves, fennel, coriander, salt and pepper. i still have to experiment a little with the rosemary and sage amounts, but it will definitely be ready for thanksgiving.

And now to the real stuff.. as I said, when I cook, my hands are busy and my mind settles into almost a trancelike meditative state. It is a way for me to get clarity on anything that has been pestering me. This weekend it was my daughter, and what does our relationship look like in the future.

I have a 28 year old daughter who was diagnosed as bipolar a number of years ago. Over the past couple of years, she and her doctors have struggled with her medications- trying to find a balance. Since she rarely leaves the house, her socialization is over the internet or the phone.

She has come to depend on me for her companionship. And while I love her, she is an adult and I am worn out being her sole support system. I am having to break away and let her take her lumps. In a perfect world, she would be out on her own, or at least providing for herself. In our current situation, I am the sole financial provider for both of us. Because of her illness, I have been extremely hesitant to bring people into my home because I never know what to expect from her. Some days she is a brilliant light that I enjoy being around. Other times, there is such darkness that I take myself to my own room and don't come out. I have been turning into a prisoner in my own house.

This weekend, I decided it was time for me to quit hiding, and to take back my home. So, I began to simply live in my house as if it were mine. If there was something I wanted on the tv while I was cooking, I let her know I was changing the channel (she has a big tv in her own room, no need to watch the one in the living room). If it didn't matter, I let her choose. Basically, I was deciding what was important to me, and then going with that, rather than what she wanted. This is hard for me, since historically, it is easier to walk away than stand up for myself with her. But, times are changing in the house.

This is only a first step..a small step.. let's see how it goes..

The best laid plans....

2010-10-10T06:24:00Z

Well, I did cook some wonderful food today, along with the preparation for the sweet potato pie for tomorrow and the pumpkin cake that I am going to try as well. Lucky people I work with will get most of the food..

I started out at the store, and found all kinds of things I hadn't planned on ... like the new sweaters for the dogs (it is cooling off and they have outgrown the ones from last year), and the pumpkin shaped cake pan to make my pumpkin cake in (when it is all put together it will look like a pumpkin.. I will try to take a photo and share it so you can see my handiwork..

I also bought some fresh fall vegies that I roasted with some olive oil, garlic, rosemary and thyme in the oven when I roasted the small lamb roast I had bought earlier in the week. I love a good leg of lamb, and the vegetables turned out great! The leftovers are going to be great as well.

And before I could cook all of this food, I had to spend some time cleaning the oven, It was overdue, simply because I haven't had the time it takes to clean it. It's amazing what you can do when you have more time.

So, at the end of a wonderful day, I can say that I am glad that I have reclaimed my weekends. I am feeling recharged after just one day of focusing on myself and really listening to what I wanted to do.

And now it is off to bed. My darling little Lexie (my princess dog who is a 6.5lb black and white chihuahua) is barking at me and telling me it is bedtime. She works very hard to let me know when I need to take care of myself.

Good night all.. I will let you know how the cake and pie turn out (by the way, this is practice for the Thanksgiving feast I have planned next month..)

Mary

It's a New Day

2010-10-09T16:47:00Z

Well, it's another day. It seems so strange not to have anything I HAVE to do today. It used to be that Saturdays were filled with appointments or errands I had to do. Since deciding to really get back to the basics in life, I am having to rethink what I WANT to do.

Interesting concept- doing what I want instead of what others want me to... In some ways I am still grieving the choice that I made to quit helping others until I really learned how to help myself.

I keep thinking that I have failed in some way because I can't do it all anymore. And then I hear a voice inside my head that says 'perhaps the failure is not that you are now taking care of yourself, but rather the time it took for you to recognize that you needed to take care of yourself". Either way, failure has never been my ideal for a happy life. And maybe that is what needs to change.. I mean really.. what is failure but a new chance for success?!

I don't know if I will be a success at changing my perspective and focusing on my own life and what really makes me happy. I am willing now to try. That is the first step..

So, what am I doing with my 'free day'.. I am going grocery shopping and I am going to spend time doing something that I DO love..

I am going to baking bread and trying out a new recipe for Sweet Potato Pie. I have never made one of those, and I would like to try it.

I love to cook. Cooking lets my mind wander, while my hands are busy. Things that I can't sort out any other time, seem to get sorted out when I cook.

Soon I will want to think about who I want to share my new recipes with, but for now, it is enough that I am taking today to do something I love..

Rainy Days and Sunshine

2010-10-08T22:54:13Z

Well, thank God it is Friday. I donâ€™t know about anyoneelse, but this has been an exhausting week. We had some incredible weather here in Phoenix on Monday and Tuesday.The storms almost seemed as if they were living breathing things, circling aroundthe valley, dumping rain and hail, and the wind was amazing.

I got caught in the rain coming home from work. It wascoming down so hard I could barely see the car in front of me. When I looked down at the ground, there was alayer of water covering the asphalt. I was stuck in traffic that was not movingand worrying about how I was going to drive in that mess the rest of the wayhome. I donâ€™t like driving in the rain, simply because I donâ€™t do it oftenenough to know how. (I do live in Phoenix, after all J) And frankly, I was a littlescared. Silly, but for me a reality.

So, as I sat there in my car, stuck in traffic, I did what Inormally do when I am scared. I said a little prayer. Actually, my prayers aremore like one sided conversations with God. So, I told God I was scared, that I didnâ€™t want to drive in the rain,and could he please help me out. And then I sat in the car and waited fortraffic to move, and hoped that it wouldn't.

As I got closer to the intersection ahead, I noticed abright spot in the sky. Wow, was all I could think. The sun was starting topeak out of the clouds which were beginning to lighten up a bit. By the time Igot to the intersection, the rain was down to a light sprinkle and the cloudswere breaking up. I was able to drive home safely, and without fear. Not onlythat, but as I drove south, there appeared to my left a huge, complete, doublerainbow- stunning in all its beauty and glory. I just had to smile.

Some of you reading this might consider this to be acoincidence. I donâ€™t. I know that God hears my prayers. I donâ€™t always get an answer, or the answer Iwant, but I do trust that I am being heard. And when the prayers are answered,through coincidence, major miracles or minor ones, I am able to breathe deeplyand feel at peace for a brief moment.

I am still working on the peace that lasts a lifetime. Forme, here and now, it is enough that I have those beautiful moments that I canlook at any time I want.

Mary

(c) Mary Cornell, all rights reserved, 2010-2012

Day one - getting started

2010-10-05T07:31:00Z

Well, here I am. A new day and a blog. After almost a year of seclusion as I healed from a shoulder surgery, the death of my father, and the official closing of my business, I decided it was time to get back to living again. Or if I am honest, with myself and anyone else reading this, perhaps it was time to actually start living my life for me.

So, here is a little bit about me- My name is Mary, and I am rapidly approaching the big '50' birthday. I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family (didn't most of us?!) with 2 sisters, a mom and a dad. I am the middle child and have all of those lovely traits associated with most middle children. I love my sisters, even when we don't always get along. I loved my dad, but never really liked him. I love my mom and I like her, too.

I have some very interesting abilities that would have gotten me burned or otherwise killed if I lived in another time. I can talk to animals, and I have learned how to listen to them as well. I have done some incredible sessions with people and their pets that have created amazing changes in their relationships. I also hear the voices of angels and loved ones, and can even see them if I work at it. I am empathic- which means I can feel the emotions and physical pain of people around me. I am a certified hypnotherapist and life coach. AND I work during the day for an insurance company as a compliance manager.

So far I have been able to make it all work, though not without a number of challenges along the way. There are times I think I am going crazy, and times I put it all down to the fact that I am aware of so much, it is hard to reconcile it all into a single lifetime.

Along the way, there are things that I have not handled well, and for the next year, my goal is to break it all down, and get real with myself, by learning how to make ME the most important person in my life. I have no problem taking care of others. However, putting myself first in my own life has always been a challenge. So, as a result, I have had my health challenges through the years. I have survived ovarian cancer, appendicitis, a diseased gallbladder, depression, herniated and bulging discs in my lower back, to name a few. I am overweight and out of shape- All because I have not taken the time to make self care a priority.

So, welcome to my blog, where you can decide for yourself if I am crazy or a mystic, on the path to self awareness. Learn with me as I take each day as it comes and make the most of the rest of my life. Perhaps we can learn from each other.

Creating my Humanity

2010-10-05T02:35:00Z

You know, it is funny. Once I started the blog, I found myself going through old stories and things I have written over the years, looking for who knows what. And since I am looking at getting back to the basics in my life, and getting real with myself, I found myself reading the following story I wrote about 10 years ago. One of my very dear friends is a trance channel, who channels the spirit of Dr. James Martin Peebles. I am not easily impressed with psychics, mediums or healers. I am and always have been impressed with the work that Summer Bacon does with this spirit she channels. I Highly recommend her - see www.summerbacon.com for more info..

Anyway, here is the story I wrote about myself 10 years ago that still has meaning for me.. May you enjoy it as much as I do!

Creating my Humanity (or my new creation- discovering self)

It wasn’t as if I woke up one morning and decided that something was missing in my life. It was more of a gradual process, an unfolding or awakening of my true self (though there are those in my life who would argue that I must have been abducted, because when I woke up one morning I was completely different) I must say, there was a definitive moment as I approached middle age- yeah, I know, the ultimate mid-life crisis- when I was completely aware and simply knew that there had to be more to life.

I was tired. I was a wife, a mother, a professional working woman, the housekeeper, the peacekeeper, the police and truant officer, the judge, the jury, the shopper, the bookkeeper, the cook, the comforter, the counselor, the teacher, and the list goes on… You know the drill. We all have responsibilities that come with life. There are bills to pay, food to buy, the house to be kept up, the family to take care of. I looked at my then husband who was feeling the same stress that I was. What were we working for? Why did everything have to be about tomorrow? What happened to today?

Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I grew up learning avoidance behavior. If it feels bad, if it’s scary, if it’s uncomfortable, don’t do it. So instead of looking at my life, or living my life, I simply trudged on. Until one day, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. There had to be more to life.

For a while I blamed my change on the fact that my health forced me to look at my way of life and myself. This is partially true. I had developed a tumor on my ovary that was malignant. This was found during an emergency appendectomy. Through the grace of God- or as my parents would say, sheer dumb luck-the tumor was self-contained and had not had the opportunity to spread. Was it luck or as it God? What do you think? I only know that this began a journey of self-discovery that was sometimes painful, sometimes ugly, always a struggle, but ultimately the most rewarding, joyful, peaceful thing I could have done for my children and myself.

After I recovered, I began to look at myself. What dreams did I hope to fulfill? What did I want to accomplish? I looked back at what I had accomplished up until that point in time. I made lists. You know the kind, the pros and cons of my life to date. Wow, was that enlightening. I even wrote out what they would put on my tombstone- Mary- born 4-22-1961, died_____, she handled everything. Now really, what does that say about me? Sure, I could handle anything and everything, most moms can. But what was my life about? Who was I?

Then I made up more lists. What dreams could I fulfill, NOW. I started with my first dream as a small child. I always wanted a horse. What girl doesn’t? So, I begged and pleaded with my husband to allow me to buy a horse. We had friends who had horses. In fact, they had one for sale. Being the wonderful giving soul that my husband was, he gave in and we were horse owners. Now, what kind of craziness is this? A 35 year old woman who knows almost nothing about horses, goes out and buys one. Now, instead of lightening up on the responsibilities in life, I have simply added a 1500 lb additional responsibility. What was I thinking? And then of course, there were the lessons with the trainer, for the horse and me. More time spent avoiding actually looking at what was not working in myself.

After the horse, I began to collect more things-a new car, new house, new furniture. All the things that I thought would make me happy. I justified it all, saying that we worked hard, we were entitled to all these things and new bills. No sense in saving our money, we couldn’t take it with us when we died.

Okay, now I had all these things and lots of new debt. But was I happy? Nope, there was still something missing. I began to look at my husband. There must be something wrong with him since I wasn’t happy. Our marriage must be lacking something. Now I began to work on him. If I wasn’t happy, it was time he changed a little so he could make me happy.

Do you see the pattern developing? I didn’t. I was blind as a bat. It never occurred to me to begin the search inside myself. I expected everyone else to change to accommodate the new me. Well, they changed, alright. My husband changed into a single man, my kids changed into troubled teens, and then I changed into a bitter depressed woman, suffering from anxiety attacks and working to pay off bills for things I only owned half of.

Now, while it appears that I was hopelessly destroying my life, these were simply the first torturous steps that I took trying to shortcut my own journey. There were also some very wonderful things happening as well. Since we were deep in debt, I began to search for a new job. One that paid more money, with better benefits. Wonder of wonders, I found a job with a great company, that sent me back east for a month of training. During that month, I discovered something wonderful about myself. I could enjoy my own company. I missed my family, but for the first time in my life, I was alone and getting to know myself.

During this time of self-discovery, I began to look at religions as a way of connecting with my innermost self. I grew up in an Episcopalian household. We attended church services every Sunday, and I was very involved with the youth group. While this was a wonderful time for me, this religion did not answer all the questions I had about myself, God, the Universe. So, I began to study the older, Pagan religions. Maybe they had the answers that I was missing. I met people who were practicing Wiccans and Druids. I spoke to Shamans. I read lots of books. Still there seemed to be something missing.

Again I would like to bring your attention to the fact that I was searching for answers about myself, outside of myself. While these other religions were very intriguing, they still didn’t help me understand what was happening in my life. Why was my life not working? What was responsible for all of the changes in my life?

My search continued.

Then, one day I happened to attend a spiritual gathering, featuring a woman who was channeling a dead man by the name of Dr. James Martin Peebles. I went to this gathering because I was intrigued by the idea of a trance channel. I had to see what this was about. Was this real? I watched this woman explain that Dr, Peebles had been alive for 99.9 years on this earth until his transition in 1922. At that time, he so loved this planet earth that he wanted to turn around and immediately come back. He was counseled by his guides and angels to be a spokesperson for them. He agreed to do this work, and thus became a spirit guide who speaks through channels in our world.

To understand what a trance medium does, think of a telephone line, hooked to two phones. The Medium is the phone line connecting the spirit world with our world. Through him or her, the spirit is able to communicate his/her/their thoughts to us. That is a bit simplistic, but you get the idea. There is no “possession”, for the medium gives permission to the spirit to use the channel as a voice. It takes a very special person to willingly give voice to the other realms.

Back to the gathering.

I listened to this spirit begin by saying that it was a celebration when man and spirit join together to share knowledge and understanding. He indicated that there were three basic principles:

1. Loving allowance for all things, beginning with self.

2. Increased communication, and with respect, and

3. the accepting of the responsibility for our own lives, as we are the creators of our lives, through our own perceptions- there are no victims.

Now, this sounded vaguely familiar to me. A more formal version of this could be “love they neighbor as thyself”, or do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

If you will notice, all things revolve around self. And what is this no victims stuff. I have been victimized most of my life. How could I be responsible for my illnesses, my failed marriage, my kids, my other issues?

These things were very difficult for me to hear. I knew I was not perfect, but how could I be responsible for all of my pain? How could I have created it?

As I was pondering all of this, people began to ask questions. Each person received a mini reading from this spirit, as well as the opportunity to ask a question. I heard a few questions about relationships and a couple of folks who were requesting information on past lives. As I listened, I came up with the million dollar question- What is my purpose in life? This was the question that needed answering for me. What in the world was I doing in this life? What was I supposed to accomplish- cause right then, I was completely lost.

My turn finally came. This spirit greeted me with the statement that I had spent many lives on earth as animals. I started at the bottom, as a creepy crawly creature, and experienced life in many different forms. And no, I was not losing my mind, I could actually hear the animals talk in my head. And then the question. And the response that changed my life completely.

What this kind and wonderful soul told me, was that there is no purpose, there is simply the experience. And the experience was exactly what I made of it. And then he asked me a question. He asked if I knew the difference between a pampered housecat and a lost and starving stray cat in an alley. I told him I did not know the difference. So he told me. The difference between the two, is one makes the choice to enter the open doorway- one chooses to accept the love that is given. The other cat is frightened by the door, and runs away.

I will never forget that moment. Or the days following. It took me many weeks to process what was said to me. And it has taken me a couple of years to fully appreciate the meaning of what was said. I will always be grateful to this wonderful spirit for sharing his wisdom and showing me the open doorway.

Now, I know you all are thinking that I have totally lost my mind about this time. That’s okay. We all reach for the meaning of life in different ways. The search itself always brings us back to the beginning- learning to know who we are, and to unconditionally love this being that we are.

You might ask, how if we are living this life, in all its aspects, are we to learn about ourselves. How do we get past the survival obstacles and find time to spend on ourselves and our search for meaning? While seemingly simplistic, the answer is- just do it. I know it sounds like a commercial slogan, but even the thinking about change seems to inspire change. We can do it consciously, or we can do it unconsciously as I tried. By seeing the possibility of change, in recognizing the potential, change seems to occur. In my case, in wanting to change my life, or in wanting to find the meaning of life, I created the changes that occurred. Even though I was going about change by beginning the search outside myself, my life and I changed. My husband did not leave because I was the same, he left because of the changes I created.

You know the old saying, hindsight is always 20/20? Well, my hindsight is perfect. After several years of searching for life’s hidden meaning, I can look back and see all of the positive things that have occurred. And I am thankful in every part of my being for my life as it is right now. I can now look at my life, and “lovingly allow it” to unfold in all its glory. Sure, there are still painful moments, but the joy that I can find in each day grows exponentially greater all the time. I can now understand that each painful moment is a simple reminder that I have ignored some part of me that needs attention. There is something I am not looking at in myself, something I have created in my life that does not fit with who I really am. Once I look at this, clearly, without judgment, I can see the opportunity for more growth for myself. And then I simply take another step forward, through the open doorway, into a life where I matter to me, where the only possibility is one of love, respect and commitment to myself.

Welcome

2010-10-04T00:59:29Z