Mystic Or Crazy - The real life of a mystic who wants a normal life - or does she?!
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Day 5
What a truly interesting day. I had no idea that gratitude was contagious, or that this experiment would grow wings 
First I will start with what I am grateful for.. today I am grateful that I can just say no. Today came the realization that I don't have to do what anyone else expects of me. It is okay to honor my own feelings, and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to.. even if doing it would be the 'nice thing' or what someone else wants of me. That's not to say that I am going to be mean to everyone, I won't be. But what is important is that I honor how I feel.
Now, let me share with you how this came about: I was driving in to the office today in heavy traffic. In fact, I had waited through 3 red lights to get through an intersection so that I could make a left onto the 101. I had just started to creep forward again in the left lane, when a car came to a sudden stop right next to me in the right lane. The woman driving the car waved at me, and motioned in front of me, asking if she could pull in ahead of me to make the same turn I was making. She clearly hadn't wanted to wait in line like the rest of us, and expected me to let her in. Normally, I would have let her in line ahead of me, quietly stewing with anger that she had the audacity to pass everyone else waiting in line, so that she didn't have to wait. And then it hit me, why would I get so upset about this. Just because she expected me to let her in, didn't mean I had to. So, I waved right back at her, shook my head and mouthed no, and moved on. I wasn't being mean, I was just saying no.
Then, as I pulled on to the freeway, I started laughing at myself. I mean really, it was ridiculous that I allowed other drivers to make me angry. And totally ridiculous that saying no, could make me so happy. I wasn't proud of the fact that I didn't let the driver in, I was proud of the fact that I could honor myself and my own feelings. If she had been aggressive, I would have let her in, because an accident and road rage are not things I want to deal with. But in this case, there was no anger, just an exchange of waves, and a polite No.
And I kept this lesson in the forefront of my mind today at work, taking notice of when I considered doing something I didn't want to do, because someone else asked me to. If it was work related, and part of my job, I found a way to be grateful that I had a job. If it was something I didn't have to do, and was considering it because someone else wanted me to.. I found myself politely saying no, and had they asked someone else. This left me more time to do my own job, and I was happy. Blissfully happy that I was taking care of me and my needs first.
For those of us who care about other people, it is almost instinctive to place others needs and desires in front of our own. This leads to illness, depression, anger, and all kinds of negativity in our lives. It is important to know when to say no...when to place ourselves first in our own lives.
As for the gratitude being contagious.. I spoke with my Mom and another friend today. Both asked me what I was grateful for today. They were intrigued that I was doing this experiment and really wanted to know how it was impacting me. I shared with my mom about saying no to the driver, and she laughed (everyone is getting a kick out of my great experiment ). she said people do it to her all the time and it upsets her sometimes. She will let those people in, unless doing so would cause an accident. And then she laughed, that I waved and said no.
). she said people do it to her all the time and it upsets her sometimes. She will let those people in, unless doing so would cause an accident. And then she laughed, that I waved and said no.So, today I am grateful for only two things..
1- I am grateful that I can say no, and mean it.
2. I am grateful to all of you who are interested in this experiment and follow my journey. I hope you are also experimenting with gratitude.. it's a fascinating journey.. and this is only day 5.
Day 4
Well, here it is, day 4 of TGE (the great experiment). I woke up this morning thinking I should check my lottery numbers, since the MegaMillions drawing was last night. As I was laying in bed, I pondered the whole lottery dream. Those of us who buy tickets, are spending money on hope- hope that we might just win and life would become easier. At least that is why I buy the tickets. I am hoping to win.
I knew that I had not won, even before checking my numbers. BUT, it didn't matter to me whether I won or lost. Sure a jackpot win would be great, don't misunderstand me. I already have a plan in place in the even that I ever won. I have completely mapped out what my future would look like. I can see it, feel it, taste it and touch it in my imagination. And yet, as I pondered the lottery, I realized that I am content in my life. Even though I have multiple challenges, I am content with where I am in life and with who I am.
There is truly something different about my perspective on life since I started this experiment. I can feel myself shifting into a more peaceful state of being. I am living more fully in the present moment. I have more focus as I tackle the daily tasks of living. I am not as scattered and there is no hurry to get anything done. And interestingly enough, I am accomplishing more each day. I am sleeping less and feeling more refreshed. Before I started this journey, I was sleeping for 8 hours or more, and feeling tired by the end of the day. This week, I am sleeping 6 to 7 hours, and waking up more refreshed. This is a fascinating by product of TGE. And this is only day 4.
I am beginning to see that this year could, indeed, be life changing.
Today :
I am grateful for the experiment.
I am grateful that my guides and angels are so wise
I am grateful for the increased energy and focus I have.
I am grateful.
Day 3
Well, this is my third day of gratitude. As promised I am documenting the journey, though today seems like a normal day. Because this experiment is at the forefront of my thoughts, I find myself evaluating everything that happens during my day. What I mean is that I am looking at everything I do, and asking myself if I am grateful for whatever I am doing, or thinking.
At some point this might get old, but for now, this is an interesting journey. I find I am making choices in every moment that allow me to be grateful- or in other words, if I don't feel like doing it, I don't. This includes everything I did today, including my food choices. At one point, I had a craving for twinkies. I Love twinkies. I rarely allow myself to have them because they are true junk food, with no value to my body. Today, however, I had twinkies. I savored every bite and I was thanking God in each and every moment of the experience. It was a simple pleasure, and one that I would normally deny myself. and an interesting by product, was that I was full, satisfied, and had nothing further to eat until it was time for dinner. I had no other cravings, and I did not have the normal late afternoon energy crash.
This got me thinking about how often I deny myself the little pleasures because there is a belief that they are bad or harmful. In mass quantities twinkies would be bad, but by allowing myself to indulge the craving, I did not overeat the rest of the day. Hmmmm, maybe I am on to something here..
So, today...
I am grateful for Twinkies!
I am grateful that I can go out and buy a Twinkie when I want one.
I am grateful for the new self awareness this journey is granting me.
I am grateful for my life.
Day 2 of Gratitude
Now that I have started this process of gratitude I can already begin to feel something changing or growing within myself. And at 2am this morning, I woke up thinking that I need a way to measure my progress. This is after all an experiment, right?
So I asked my guides for a way to measure the success of this experiment. Can you guess what happened next?! Yes, it's true, I heard laughter. I guess I am now comic relief for my own guides and Angels.
"Dearest one, how can you measure peace, joy or love? For that is what comes from practicing gratitude?"
and my response, "Well, in the business world, success is measured by the amount of money that is made. surely there must be a way to measure the impact of gratitude in my life.."
"Ah.." was the response. Then, "To measure something is to compare it. And in God's eyes, nothing is compared. Everything has it's place and is perfect as it is. Every emotion, every feeling, every action is perfectly suited to the growth and evolution of life on earth. Nothing is less than or greater than anything else. Perhaps it is time, dear one, to stop comparing yourself and others."
Ouch. the thought is all nice and fuzzy, but I am human and I have always needed a way to measure my growth.
"Consider this, gratitude includes acceptance for what is, not on what will be."
Okay. So, by thinking in terms of measurements, I am focusing on future actions instead of being present today?
"Indeed"
AHA! Okay- no measurements. I will simply share how I feel each day, and the thoughts that come up for me. If changes occur, I will write about those and we shall simply see what happens.
I promptly fell back asleep and then had a heck of a time waking up this morning.
On a practical note, I did notice that instead of dreading what the day would bring, I woke up feeling content and ready to face whatever presented itself today. So far, so good.
Today I am grateful for my friends and family.
Today I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy most of the time, that allows me to pay the bills.
I am grateful that my daughter agreed to practice gratitude with me.
I am grateful that I am alive!
Welcome to a Great Experiment
Happy New Year everyone and welcome to my great experiment.
Last year was a year of tremendous personal growth for me. From what I have heard from others, it seems I am not alone. My last year began with shoulder surgery and the death of my father. From there it descended into the black abyss of bullies, the decline of my daughter's mental stability and ability to care for herself, and ultimately ended with my crawling out of the abyss after many hours of meditation, self contemplation and the help of some very wise Guides and Angels. I have now found a new foundation and sense of self.
Once I climbed up and out, I needed to create a plan for myself that would keep me growing positively, safely and with greater peace and joy. When I asked my Angels how do I create a plan, they laughed at me. In fact they are still laughing at me.. And the reason they laugh is because they know me so well. You see, if I create a plan, then I stick to it..even if it is not in my best interests. It's like I create this path with such big wheel ruts that I can't get out. "No," My guides said, "you do not need a plan. In fact you need to live this year without any plans at all."
Eegads and little fishes... no plans. That is terrifying to me. So I responded,"Having no plans might be good for others, but that is a bit much for me. I must have something to focus on so that I don't fall back into the abyss!"
Again, I heard laughter. Heaven was busting up laughing at my need for a plan. To me this is not funny.
Finally, I hear a voice of reason, "well, perhaps we can give her a focus, rather than a plan.."
Well, not quite what I was looking for, but okay.. I could try for a focus..
And here it is...the focus...for the entire year.... is ....are you ready.....GRATITUDE
Really?! Gratitude?! Really?!
"Yes, Dearest One. You will begin by focusing on the things in your life that you are grateful for.. and we would encourage you to do this daily. Find things in each day that you can be grateful for in your life, and then simply write about your experiences. We guarantee that magic will occur in your life, if you do this..."
Really?!
So, being the stubborn learner that I am, I have fought against this. Not because I thought it was silly.. but because I thought I had learned this lesson a few years ago. Apparently I forgot the lesson...
Oh well...
So, perhaps you will join me on my journey of gratitude this year. I will post the things that I am grateful for, and will log in the results. I have no expectations about this process.. I am simply willing to give this experiment a try. My brain knows that when I am grateful, more things come to pass that I can be grateful for. So, let's see what happens..
To start.. I am grateful that I can make the Angels laugh...
I am grateful that I have my computer..
I am grateful that my physical needs are being met
I am grateful for my dog Lexi, who loves and protects me
I am grateful.....
Ah..Mondays
Well, it is late Monday night and it has been a busy day. I started work at 7am, and quit working at 6:45PM.
What I dislike most about this economy, is that companies are scaling back on employees, but not the amount of work that needs to get done. I don't know about the rest of you, but my work load just keeps growing, with no help in site. Some days I don't know how I will get it all done. And it's not about time management. I manage my time just fine, it's the amount of work that has doubled in the last few years. I hear about this from a number of people who are working for larger companies.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a secure job. It's just that sometimes as I remember those wonderful 40 hour work weeks, I wish I had them back. Since this blog is all about getting real- I understand that I could work the 40 hours, but the work wouldn't get done and I would not feel successful. So instead, I do what it takes to get the work done, and exhaust myself if the process. I forget that there is a world outside of the office.
I would love to hear from those of you who work long hours like I do.. How do you do it, and balance your life? Or do you balance. The one line I HAVE drawn in the sand is that I will not work weekends. I need those to recover my sanity from the prior week..
As I look towards the end of the year, I have to focus on the week of vacation I will have after Christmas, and hope that that will be enough to rest up for the next year.
As I sit here and ponder the work/life balance, I am reminded that we probably have it easier than the early settlers did. Theirs was a life of manual labor from sunup to sundown. At least I get to sit in a chair in a climate controlled office as I work.
Funny, sometimes when I am tired, I can't help but hear the voices of my spirit guides who love to simply laugh at me when I look at the down side of life. Even now, I am reminded that work is only work, if we make it so. If we enjoy what we do, then the time flies. Most of the time I enjoy the work, and the time does pass by.. but not always. So, for the next few days, I will take a look at this, and see what comes up..
in the meantime, I am open to any and all ideas here.. this is about getting real, and enjoying life again..And as God is continually reminding me.. I am not alone..
Getting ready for the New Week ahead
Well, the weekend is almost over and I have to say that I am pleasantly tired this evening. I spent most of the weekend in my favorite room in my house- the kitchen.
The sweet potato pie came out perfectly! It is much richer than most pumpkin pies I have had, so smaller is better when it comes to portion size. Could be the dark rum that went into the filling.. I also cooked my first pumpkin. In the past, pumpkin has always come out of a can for any recipe. The only thing I knew how to do with a pumpkin was to carve a face and toast the seeds. As I was also trying out a new pumpkin cake recipe that called for fresh pumpkin, I learned how to bake it in the oven. It was sooo good scraped right off of the peel from the oven. The pumpkin meat satisfied my sweet tooth in a most delicious fashion.
The pumpkin cake with home made cream cheese frosting (with a touch of cardamom) was also a good choice- though in order to make the proper cake from my pumpkin cake mold I need some lessons on cake decorating... ah well, at least it tasted good.
Basically, today I was trying out new recipes in anticipation of Thanksgiving. I have the sweet potato pie and pumpkin cake recipe down, and now I need to learn more about putting the icing on the cake. I also created a new rub for the Turkey this year, that I tried out on a turkey breast that I roasted. A mix of olive oil, fresh rosemary and sage, garlic cloves, fennel, coriander, salt and pepper. i still have to experiment a little with the rosemary and sage amounts, but it will definitely be ready for thanksgiving.
And now to the real stuff.. as I said, when I cook, my hands are busy and my mind settles into almost a trancelike meditative state. It is a way for me to get clarity on anything that has been pestering me. This weekend it was my daughter, and what does our relationship look like in the future.
I have a 28 year old daughter who was diagnosed as bipolar a number of years ago. Over the past couple of years, she and her doctors have struggled with her medications- trying to find a balance. Since she rarely leaves the house, her socialization is over the internet or the phone.
She has come to depend on me for her companionship. And while I love her, she is an adult and I am worn out being her sole support system. I am having to break away and let her take her lumps. In a perfect world, she would be out on her own, or at least providing for herself. In our current situation, I am the sole financial provider for both of us. Because of her illness, I have been extremely hesitant to bring people into my home because I never know what to expect from her. Some days she is a brilliant light that I enjoy being around. Other times, there is such darkness that I take myself to my own room and don't come out. I have been turning into a prisoner in my own house.
This weekend, I decided it was time for me to quit hiding, and to take back my home. So, I began to simply live in my house as if it were mine. If there was something I wanted on the tv while I was cooking, I let her know I was changing the channel (she has a big tv in her own room, no need to watch the one in the living room). If it didn't matter, I let her choose. Basically, I was deciding what was important to me, and then going with that, rather than what she wanted. This is hard for me, since historically, it is easier to walk away than stand up for myself with her. But, times are changing in the house.
This is only a first step..a small step.. let's see how it goes..
The best laid plans....
Well, I did cook some wonderful food today, along with the preparation for the sweet potato pie for tomorrow and the pumpkin cake that I am going to try as well. Lucky people I work with will get most of the food..
I started out at the store, and found all kinds of things I hadn't planned on ... like the new sweaters for the dogs (it is cooling off and they have outgrown the ones from last year), and the pumpkin shaped cake pan to make my pumpkin cake in (when it is all put together it will look like a pumpkin.. I will try to take a photo and share it so you can see my handiwork..
I also bought some fresh fall vegies that I roasted with some olive oil, garlic, rosemary and thyme in the oven when I roasted the small lamb roast I had bought earlier in the week. I love a good leg of lamb, and the vegetables turned out great! The leftovers are going to be great as well.
And before I could cook all of this food, I had to spend some time cleaning the oven, It was overdue, simply because I haven't had the time it takes to clean it. It's amazing what you can do when you have more time.
So, at the end of a wonderful day, I can say that I am glad that I have reclaimed my weekends. I am feeling recharged after just one day of focusing on myself and really listening to what I wanted to do.
And now it is off to bed. My darling little Lexie (my princess dog who is a 6.5lb black and white chihuahua) is barking at me and telling me it is bedtime. She works very hard to let me know when I need to take care of myself.
Good night all.. I will let you know how the cake and pie turn out (by the way, this is practice for the Thanksgiving feast I have planned next month..)
Mary
It's a New Day
Well, it's another day. It seems so strange not to have anything I HAVE to do today. It used to be that Saturdays were filled with appointments or errands I had to do. Since deciding to really get back to the basics in life, I am having to rethink what I WANT to do.
Interesting concept- doing what I want instead of what others want me to... In some ways I am still grieving the choice that I made to quit helping others until I really learned how to help myself.
I keep thinking that I have failed in some way because I can't do it all anymore. And then I hear a voice inside my head that says 'perhaps the failure is not that you are now taking care of yourself, but rather the time it took for you to recognize that you needed to take care of yourself". Either way, failure has never been my ideal for a happy life. And maybe that is what needs to change.. I mean really.. what is failure but a new chance for success?!
I don't know if I will be a success at changing my perspective and focusing on my own life and what really makes me happy. I am willing now to try. That is the first step..
So, what am I doing with my 'free day'.. I am going grocery shopping and I am going to spend time doing something that I DO love..
I am going to baking bread and trying out a new recipe for Sweet Potato Pie. I have never made one of those, and I would like to try it.
I love to cook. Cooking lets my mind wander, while my hands are busy. Things that I can't sort out any other time, seem to get sorted out when I cook.
Soon I will want to think about who I want to share my new recipes with, but for now, it is enough that I am taking today to do something I love..
Rainy Days and Sunshine
Well, thank God it is Friday. I don’t know about anyoneelse, but this has been an exhausting week. We had some incredible weather here in Phoenix on Monday and Tuesday.The storms almost seemed as if they were living breathing things, circling aroundthe valley, dumping rain and hail, and the wind was amazing.
I got caught in the rain coming home from work. It wascoming down so hard I could barely see the car in front of me. When I looked down at the ground, there was alayer of water covering the asphalt. I was stuck in traffic that was not movingand worrying about how I was going to drive in that mess the rest of the wayhome. I don’t like driving in the rain, simply because I don’t do it oftenenough to know how. (I do live in Phoenix, after all J) And frankly, I was a littlescared. Silly, but for me a reality.
So, as I sat there in my car, stuck in traffic, I did what Inormally do when I am scared. I said a little prayer. Actually, my prayers aremore like one sided conversations with God. So, I told God I was scared, that I didn’t want to drive in the rain,and could he please help me out. And then I sat in the car and waited fortraffic to move, and hoped that it wouldn't.
As I got closer to the intersection ahead, I noticed abright spot in the sky. Wow, was all I could think. The sun was starting topeak out of the clouds which were beginning to lighten up a bit. By the time Igot to the intersection, the rain was down to a light sprinkle and the cloudswere breaking up. I was able to drive home safely, and without fear. Not onlythat, but as I drove south, there appeared to my left a huge, complete, doublerainbow- stunning in all its beauty and glory. I just had to smile.
Some of you reading this might consider this to be acoincidence. I don’t. I know that God hears my prayers. I don’t always get an answer, or the answer Iwant, but I do trust that I am being heard. And when the prayers are answered,through coincidence, major miracles or minor ones, I am able to breathe deeplyand feel at peace for a brief moment.
I am still working on the peace that lasts a lifetime. Forme, here and now, it is enough that I have those beautiful moments that I canlook at any time I want.
Mary
